Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
