i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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