I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
