Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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