The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
