i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize