I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
