We won't sleep together?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
