so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
