your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I will die if light touches me.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
