I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
