The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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