Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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