shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
