Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
