david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
