Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize