I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he was CRYING into my vagina
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
