I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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