My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
