ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
