I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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