So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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