It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
