Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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