we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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