I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
