you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
