The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
