I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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