getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
