I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize