I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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