My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
