are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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