yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
