By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
