We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
