i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize