Pregnant stripper...not hot.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
