Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
