her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
