my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Found the puke drawer
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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