I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
