you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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