SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
