last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
