Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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