I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
