Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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