why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize