i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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