You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
