tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
