I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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