Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
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