I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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