Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
