she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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