DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
