onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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