What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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