I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize