I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
