Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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